January 9th 1997 marked the first time I lost someone to suicide. February 9th, 2024 marked the second. Both males. Both feeling as though life had dealt them a ‘bad deal’.
I have been sitting on this for a few days now, trying to process the loss and understand how lonely one must feel to believe that the world is better without them in it. As I sit here, I realize that many of us have been there. At an unbearable low, drowning in the negative thoughts that flood our thoughts. This recent loss has been felt far and wide, with many connecting to the internal emptiness that we have felt at some point in our lives. Realizing that this could have easily been any one of us. However, we were the fortunate ones, able to fight and generate the heat needed to fight through the thick fog created by our negative thoughts.
I am angered by the mind and the games it plays on us. We would never sit beside someone and consent to them spewing such negativity at us. So why does our mind get a free pass? Why do we let our thoughts spin us in tornados of negativity? Cementing lies and focusing on all our short comings. We all have our strengths, and its okay to get help for our mental state. Recenter our thoughts on what makes us great.
It’s also important for us to put ourselves in rooms where our environment serves as a positive reflection point for us to improve and get better. With this recent loss, I know that those close to him were fighting for him. I know that many invested the best of themselves to try and help him. But its hard to help someone from the outside when the internal voices are so domineering. It was the inside that needs help. His mind was plagued with guilt, and after his passing, many of us are left with a similar feeling. Guilt. Guilt for being rude, mean, and judgmental. And I if I have learned anything from this recent loss, its that we need to extend a bit of grace for ourselves. Grace for being human and understanding that we need to take care of ourselves before we can help those around us. The world sees the facade that we present, but only we know the thoughts that play on repeat in our minds. Those left behind will be left to overcome the trauma of survivor’s guilt. Something I am all to familiar with. I will forever repeat my last interaction with him in my mind and be angered that I wasn’t kinder. But we are all fighting an internal battle that no one knows about, and we can’t take accountability for the actions of others. Toxic thoughts are like poison, and if we don’t get professional help to treat them and overcome them, we have learned nothing from this recent loss. We need to fight for ourselves too.
—- xoxo Sandy
The Inner Workings of My Thoughts 