Recently, I have been searching for clarity through the whirlwind of emotions swirling around my mind. Perhaps this comes with the territory of approaching 40 years old, but my mind has been a battleground, particularly concerning my interactions with Jane at work. I’ve spoken about her in this blog before, and the emotional rollercoaster she put me through led me to repeatedly assert that I could no longer assist her. Yet, deep down, I harbored a desire for her well-being, hoping she would find improvement.
That was until yesterday. With the passing of my uncle, it was as though a switch flipped in my mind. It wasn’t until I was articulating my feelings out loud that I realized I was waging an unwinnable war. I could repeatedly sacrifice myself in hopes that she would get better, but this was an internal battle within her that continued to be beyond my reach. This is solely her battle to fight. Any external changes or support I offered would be inconsequential because her healing needed to originate from within. Sacrificing myself repeatedly in the hope of her recovery is pointless.
Despite the attempts by Jane and her manager to cast me in an unfavorable light, I’ve found solace. I am respectfully handing the bag of responsibility back to the respectful owner. I tried my best to assist, but her choices remain her own. Her life circumstances are shaped by her decisions, and if she neglects the professional help available to her, that’s her prerogative. I no longer feel compelled to lead the horse to water. Instead I am redirecting my focus onto myself and what I need to feed my soul and grow.
— xoxo Sandy
The Inner Workings of My Thoughts 