Self-inflicted Sadness

There is no deeper sadness than one that is self-inflicted.

Growing up, I was taught to pay attention to what people said and how they acted. Yet, the naïve part of me always defaulted to seeing the good in people. I created a false persona of who people were because I chose to see a skewed perception of reality. I chose the ‘easier’ path because seeing the world as it truly was much harder.

However, even with the strongest rose-colored lenses, it was as though the universe had been pushing me to see people for who they were. No matter how hard I tried to evade the truth, it stood firmly in my way, and I am forever changed.

I used to always put the needs of others ahead of my own because I genuinely cared so deeply for people. I am so disappointed in my decision to do that. I made it okay for people to overlook my contributions and accomplishments. On some level, I believed that my support was appreciated, but now I realize that all of my sacrifices were in vain. They were taken for granted; I was taken for granted. And my well has officially run dry. There is nothing more in me to give.

I will make many mistakes in my life, but not making myself the protagonist of my life will be the biggest one. There will be no one to blame but myself. As I sit here wrapped in a blanket that my aunt knit for my daughter while my uncle was on life support, I am reminded that I came into this world alone, and I will leave it the same way. So why do I neglect my needs and fill that space by prioritizing the needs of others?

I really need to sit alone with myself and understand what I want out of life.

— xoxo Sandy