Author: darklightness

A place to express my thoughts, free of judgement.
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Love

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Today I had an eye-opening conversation with a colleague of mine regarding love, and  what it means to truly love. He talked about not understanding the meaning of true love until having his first born child. He was so overwhelmed with the indescribable emotions. He couldn’t find the words to explain the emotion but you could see it on his face and in his expression. It looked like bliss.

Standing there watching him, I couldn’t help but question who I am as a person. Do I love anyone that much in my life? Do I even love myself that much? I questioned if I am a broken person. Not having children myself, I couldn’t relate to what he was talking about. I was filled with self-doubt and convinced that I lack the ability to be completely selfless.

I have a deep-rooted fear of being completely vulnerable to another individual, and have platinum walls up at all times. I question people’s motivations, and don’t always believe peoples sincerity. I know I’m a cynic and take ownership of that. I have a handful of people who I believe love me unconditionally. But I question if I have the same loyalty towards them. Maybe I do and am judging myself harshly, but I don’t know if I can name a single person who I love unconditionally.

I’m envious of people who can so easily express their love to another person. It comes second nature to them. My husband says that I express love in other ways. Clearly he sees something that I don’t!

When people tell me they love me, I have a hard time saying it back. My 3 year old nephew tells me he loves me all the time. However, when I say it back it feels forced. It doesn’t come naturally to me. I almost feel like I’m exposing an area of weakness, that I want to keep hidden. I don’t want people to know how deeply I care because then they can use it against me.

Maybe that’s why I have the wall up, for fear of being hurt. Maybe my husband is right and I do love, I love so deep that if I let people see, they can use it as ammo to hurt me.

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My Hollow Mind…

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted in the blogosphere, and I’ve missed it. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say, I promise you there is plenty. However, the words have been held captive in the depth of my mind. The thoughts, they swirl around my brain like the paint on a painter’s palette, intertwined, defined and not defined at the same time.

I recently achieved one of my biggest goals, and while I should be over the moon about this achievement, I feel hollow inside. I’m not quite sure what this void is, but it exists. I almost feel as though I am having an out of body experience. I can see myself going through the motions of living my life, however I don’t feel them. It’s very confusing.

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m very happy in my life. I am not upset or sad, but I don’t feel that I am fully engaged in my life. I’m not indulging in my emotions the way I think I should. It’s almost as though I am moving through life with a “proceed with caution” mentality. Scared that my life is in such a great place, that if you throw a rock at it, it will shatter.

It’s a scary feeling. One that I need to learn how to overcome. Perhaps it will go away over time, perhaps I need to speak to someone, who knows. But I need to find a way to enjoy my life. I’ve worked hard for the life I am building for myself, and I need to enjoy it!
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Truth Be Told

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When I got sick last year, it changed me as a person. It made me a cynical person. I am, was, a person who would go out of her way to help people. I found joy in it, and I genuinely wanted to make the lives of the people I cared about easier. Now, that person feels like a lifetime away, and if I am being honest, if I saw her today I would call her a naive fool.

Throughout the duration of my illness, I felt very lonely. I was fighting a battle, and no one co20150426_234045278_iOSuld help me. It was me against this thing that was attacking me from the inside. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I had people visit me daily to inquire a out my health and to keep me company. But I can count these people on one hand. For someone, such as myself who has a large circle, it was truly disheartening.  I became skeptical of the people in my life. It was my rude awakening.
I spent a year trying to run away from my negative thoughts. I took up hair and make up lessons and became a certified artist. If I looked good on the outside, surely that would translate into me becoming a happier person on the inside. That was a lie. I only felt
more empty and alone. I took up a project management class, and tried to cross a few more items off of my bucket list, but that only made me feel more sad. Who did I have to share these great milestones with? People who weren’t there for me when I was at my lowest point?
I was sad, I am sad and I don’t know how to overcome this deep disappointment. This may be a terrible example, but you know when you’ve finished making a lavish meal and the kitchen is a disaster. You’re exhausted after cooking, but you have to clean up your mess, its frustrating, but you get through it. All you have left are these great memories of the exceptional tasting meal that you’ve created. I have the exact opposite of that feeling. I went through this horrid experience that taught me how strong I can be, but all I remember is who wasn’t there for me.
Its a sad feeling, and i’m hoping that with time, I learn how to overcome it.
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Disconnected

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Recently, I’ve found it difficult to connect with people on a human level. I can’t remember the last time I had a genuinely honest conversation with someone, and i’m growing tired of the superficial conversations I have with people. You know, the ones where we instinctively start to discuss whose life is more difficult. It’s like we’re in a rat race, constantly trying to outdo the next person. When the truth is, we are all just going through the motions of life and the growing pains that come along with it.

If I am being completely honest, I have a great life. I work on my flaws and improve on my weaknesses. I work really hard on growing myself into the person I want to be. However, I feel ashamed to let the world know how happy I am. Why? Because people become jealous and envious that you seem so “put together”. They don’t see the behind the scenes hard work I’ve put into the person I am evolving into. They only find reason to be resentful.

I have a very positive outlook on my life. I focus on the positives, and understand that the problem areas can be worked on. I know that nothing in life is constant and I am okay with that. But I don’t spend each day feeling angry about the pain points in my life. I accept them and roll with the punches, and that works for me. It allows me to stay focused and evolve into the person I want to become.

However, I constantly live in a fear that if I let people know how happy I am that they will find me un-relatable. When the truth is, the only difference between us is the outlook we have on life. I don’t see the grey areas in my life as problems. I see them as opportunities to grow. My approach to the grey areas is to accept them and look for a solution, if there isn’t one, I will sit on the problem until I can find one. When I advise people on how to solve problems in their lives, they find my approach too harsh, or they will give me a list of 100 reasons why the solution won’t work. They make the choice to stay pessimistic, and I can feel myself being sucked into the vacuum that is their negativity. And my outlook on life isn’t negative, so I can’t relate. And in turn there is a disconnect between my world and me.

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Word Vomit

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My dad always told me to have value in the things I say. He said I should think about my vocabulary before vocalizing my thoughts, and to understand that once I spoke, I would lose ownership of those words. They would fall prey to the interpretation of the listener.

However I suffer form a serious case of word vomit. I often speak first and think later. If I am being completely honest, sometimes I find myself annoying and feel like saying, “just shut up”, but instead I just keep rambling like the court jester. While I speak from the heart, and constantly try to help those around me, I sometimes I think I need to sit back and let people make their own decisions free from my opinions.

The problem with that is, I often find myself giving an opinion before I can catch myself. While my opinion may be honest, I am too straight forward, and it causes people to feel defensive when they don’t need to be.

I recently told someone that I thought they have a drinking problem. For the sake of this blog I will refer to this person as Emma. I wasn’t very tactful in my approach. Being the straight forward person that I am, I spoke bluntly from a place of concern, causing this person to get defensive. While I think I was wrong in how I approached the subject, I have serious concerns about this persons health, and now realize that she has people in her life that enable this behaviour. She doesn’t have many people in her corner, trying to encourage her to sort out her issue. Instead, she’s surrounded by people who encourage and promote the drinking. What Emma doesn’t realize is that if she has serious health issues in the future, due to the alcohol abuse, these people who are enabling her won’t be there to pick up the pieces. Those close to her will be.

Its very frustrating for me to sit and just watch her indulge in behaviours that aren’t helping her build a healthy life for herself. Instead, she is holding on to a lifestyle that she should have outgrown. But thats just my judgemental opinion. Perhaps I am being judgemental, or maybe I just see a better future for her than she envisions. Either way, I regret my approach to the topic, because it is a serious topic.

I wish I had better control over my words. However, they often come out before I can stop them, and while I come from a good place. I realize that my opinions aren’t always needed. In the case with Emma, maybe she needed to hear my opinion, or maybe it just pushed her further, i’m not really sure. Either way, I think I could have approached the subject matter in a more compassionate way. After all, if someone is drinking to suppress emotions, bluntly telling them they have a drinking problem isn’t going to help them.

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TIFF – Kilo Two Bravo

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Recently I had the opportunity to cross two items off of my bucket list. The first was to watch a movie at the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF), and the second was to watch a movie at the TIFF Lightbox. Though I’m not a movie buff, being a Torontonian, I’ve always felt attending the TIFF Festival is something a person from the GTA should do at least once in their lifetime. However, what I didn’t expect was the rude awakening I would receive by watching the 108 minute masterpiece that is Kilo Two Bravo.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I don’t know anyone in the armed forced, and so I’ve never been able to understand a service man or woman’s journey/experience. In grade school, we read about the sacrifices service men and women have made and continue to make for us. And on November 11th, we dutifully participate in a moment of silence to pay our respects to them. However, after watching Kilo Two Bravo, I realize that we don’t give our servicemen and women a tenth of the respect they deserve.

Perhaps, I should backtrack a little and explain the plot line of the movie.  Kilo Two Bravo is based on a true story and is about a contingent of soldiers who find themselves trapped in a live minefield. Over a period of 5 hours, soldiers are severely injured. However, they are resilient and refuse to give up on the hope that help will come.

Watching this movie, I started to understand the strength in the troops comradery, and started to understand the reality that many servicemen and women face every day. Once the movie ended, I found myself feeling frustrated by the state of veteran affairs and support for servicemen and women in this country.

I have the opportunity to experience the exceptional life that I do because someone somewhere made the decision to sacrifice his/her life for me. However, my naivety in veteran’s issues created an invisible blockade that prevented me from fighting for their lives upon their return from duty. I am failing those who make the ultimate sacrifice for me because I expect someone else to educate me on the topic? The more I analyze my behavior, the more I realize that I need to fix it. I need to pay attention to veteran’s issues and proactively learn more about them.

I am truly grateful to the writers, producers, actors and director for creating this movie because it was definitely an awakening that I needed to have.

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Quicksand

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Sometimes I feel as though I am stuck in quick sand in the middle of a cross road. Afraid to move, for fear of sinking in deeper, I slowly look around me to see which road I want to travel.  I am faced with the decision of who I want to be as a person, and the type of life I want to create for myself.

To my left, I see a life focused on my career. This is a road that I am familiar with. A workaholic by nature, I love to work and reap the rewards of my hard work. However, I question whether this road is still for me. Do I want to make my work my life? Yes it will bring me all of the luxuries in life, but do I want to be defined by what I have, instead of who I am?

To my right, I see a simple life with a white picket fence. I am outside watering the grass and feel a sense of inner peace and calm. My feelings of aggression, motivation and determination have disappeared and I am simply content with being in my own skin. I don’t have a very big house, but I feel wealthy.

And then there is the road ahead of me. I can’t make out what is in front of me, it’s shielded by fog. But, for some reason I feel excited by it. Maybe it’s the feeling of not knowing what’s there that makes me want to impulsively jump out of the quick sand and sprint in its direction. However, I am reluctant to act on my impulses. If I move too quickly, I will sink into the sand, and the roads ahead of me will disappear.

So as I slowly try to maneuver myself out of the sand, I patiently recite the wise words my uncle once told me.

“Sandy, one thing you need to remember about your career is, you
can achieve anything you want to, but you need to look at the costs
associated with the decisions you make. I am very successful in my
career, but I had to sacrifice time with my children. I would come home
from work and open up my computer. I would take a break to eat dinner,
and then I would get back to work. I had to sacrifice a lot. Now that I am
older, I maybe would have done things a bit differently”.

As I look at the roads that lay ahead of me, I question my choices and realize that the roads to my left and right are extreme examples of what is important to me. Perhaps the foggy road ahead of me is the road I’m meant to take. Where I learn to balance my work and family life, and create a legacy for myself. As I reach this realization, I can feel the sand loosen around my legs and slowly disappear.

I am free to walk the path I choose.
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Being A Girl

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Sometimes, I feel as though women travel through life with invisible boulders attached to their shoulders. As a woman, it doesn’t matter what we do, we carry the weight of everyones judgments. We are taught that we must dress a particular way, style our hair, always have groomed nails, etc The list is endless, and the expectations are exhausting to meet, yet we continue to try and live up to societies impossible standards.
Aside from the pressures society places on women, I think being born a woman is a blessing – at least thats how I feel about my life. Women encompass a strength that no other species on the planet possesses, and society teaches us to be insecure to try and suppress us, limit us and prevent us from achieving great success.
I used to be a very insecure person. I was always a tomboy. I liked sports clothes, and playing outside more than dressing up. Dressing up was never my thing. However,, one year in summer school I decided that I wanted to wear dresses and tank tops. People would ask me “why are you dressed like that? They weren’t used to seeing me in girly clothes. I felt insecure, and lied that my cousin made me dress more girly. The truth was, I wanted to wear those clothes, but I didn’t know how to break free from my peers opinions of how I should dress. Instead of saying what I felt, I lied and during the regular school year, I went back to wearing jerseys and track pants.
It wasn’t until years later that I decided to break-free from peoples opinions of how I should dress. I felt very lost and felt like I needed to find my identity. I went through a phase where I dyed my hair every colour of the rainbow. My motivation for doing this was to teach myself that the opinions of others didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered in my life was my opinion of myself. During this process, I had many people approach me to tell me they either loved my hair or hated it. Regardless of the opinion I received, I refused to let myself internalize it. Instead I made a conscious choice to only focus on my opinion. The extra noise of external judgments disappeared from my mind, and I felt free.

While I am grateful for having the strength of a woman and possessing the ability to fight for myself. I wish I didn’t have to. I wish I was free to be myself from the get go. I wish society taught me that it was okay to dress and be myself. I wish girls were taught to be free the same way boys are. However, with that said I am also grateful for the extra step that I had to overcome as a woman, because it made me stronger.

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My World. My Creation.

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define_yourself

We drift through life trying to learn who we are. We define our likes, our dislikes. We evolve ourselves to try and identify with a particular group. Somewhere on our quest to be our unique selves we lose ourselves. We become consumed with the need to maintain relationships and ensuring that bonds aren’t broken. We hide what we think or how we feel to avoid creating ripples in the water. We focus on the short-term relationship and fail to realize that we’ve compromised so much of who we are that the relationships in our lives have become artificial.

Over the past year, I spent a lot of time analyzing the relationships in my life, and decided to do a looking glass analysis of my life and conducted a couple of experiments. The lessons I learned are invaluable to me and will leave me with an ever changed person.

The first test I conducted was to not call anyone and see whose numbers appeared on my caller display. What an eye opener. People I thought would call never did. People I didn’t expect to hear from became prominent in my life. I learned that the people I held in high regards didn’t deserve it, and those I took for granted valued me. I started to re-prioritize the people in my life. It was a difficult process, but I’m a strong person.

The second test I conducted was to tell people how I felt. I didn’t hide my feelings about situations like I did in the past. I voluntarily shared my thoughts. Why should I have to hide how I feel? If people choose to be in my life, they should respect me enough to understand my feelings and thoughts. If they fail to take the opportunity to appreciate me, it’s their loss. The results of this test were astounding, but I am grateful for my strength. Opening up myself to hurt, it’s sad to say that after conducting my first test, I had accurately predicted the results.

Always afraid to leave myself open to hurt, I learned something about myself through this process. I’m not made of glass. It doesn’t matter how much venom is sent in my direction, I can overcome it. Through conducting this, at the time torturous experiment, I was able to create a richer life for myself. I know that when I pick up the phone to call someone, that the person on the other side of the receiver deserves to be there. I don’t have artificial relationships or relationships of convenience, they are real. They are great. Hopefully going forward they will simultaneously grow with me.

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Living On A Battlefield

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Midway 70th Anniversary

I’m Right. You’re Wrong. I Win. You Lose.  When did everything we do turn into a competition? When did we stop seeing people for who they are and start viewing them as a competitor? We live our lives standing at attention in a battlefield. Waiting for our next conquest. We constantly feel that we need to be heard. We have a need to vocalize our thoughts, express our opinions and fight to make another person understand how our actions are the right ones.

Through doing this, we miss out on the best part of life. We miss the opportunity to learn about people; understand their thoughts and learn about their past experiences. Every person on this planet immerses him/herself in different experiences, digests information differently and grows. We would benefit from taking the time to stop and just listen. Listen to their opinion, to their rationale and remember that their intent is good. Their approach in expressing their thoughts may not be great, but when you remove factors such as their tone of voice, and get to the root of what they are saying, there is beauty in the spoken word. That beauty can only be realized when we start to see each other as equals and appreciate the others word, and work in cooperation instead of competition.

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