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Wabi Sabi

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I have lost touch with who I am. I always expect the worst, and I don’t know how to enjoy the present. Last night, I watched the movie Buzz Lightyear with my kids. I got annoyed with Buzz as I watched him. ‘Why do you think you can do everything by yourself, when you have friends who can help you?’ As the movie went on, I realized that I am like Buzz. I always try to plan, organize and fix everything. I put too much pressure on myself. I make my life difficult. God has his own plans, so why do I keep trying to achieve perfection?

Perfection is impossible, so why do I set myself up for failure, and then get angry with myself. I trap myself in a cycle of disappointment and frustration. I need to change, but I don’t know how.  I am so drained, both mentally and physically by the pressure I create for myself. My expectations for myself are unrealistically high. I always say that I am the person in the group who has planned for contingencies, just in case something goes wrong. But it’s exhausting being in my head. I don’t want to be 10 steps ahead. I don’t want to be the go to person. I want to simply be.

I need to embrace wabi sabi. I am not sure if that is the right way to use the term in a sentence, but wabi sabi is about finding happiness and significance in the simple, the natural, and the flawed. It is about accepting yourself and others as they are, without judgment or criticism. It is about letting go of expectations and attachments, and living in the present moment. Wabi sabi is about being perfectly imperfect.

I need to change, and I need to learn how to change. I need to let go and find joy in the flaws. So this is my first step. Recognition. I recognize that I need to be gentle with myself, and allow myself and others to grow and make mistakes. Allow myself to make mistakes.

— xoxo Sandy

depression · inspire · inspired · life · love · mom · post-partum · quote · quotes · selfhelp

Anxiety

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Waking up in the middle of the night,
Feeling an all too familiar feeling
I ’m gasping for air
But i’m not taking any in.
I try to steady myself.
Just focus on my breath.

Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.

It’s not working,
I’m suffocating.
Why does this keep happening?
Why do I feel so vulnerable and exposed?
I feel as though the world is judging me
And I’m consumed with insecurities.
I think I am a good person,
My intentions are pure.
But I suffer from a case of word vomit
Where I can’t help but be honest.
My truth is my truth,
Perhaps that is my downfall.
I speak from the heart,
I vocalize my thoughts,
I seek understanding and guidance
With a little dose of support.
Why do I feel so disappointed in myself?
Why do I feel so frustrated?
Why do I feel as though I’m letting people down?
I feel as though I’m living in a glass box at the edge of a cliff.

One wrong step,
I fall and everything shatters.
My failures are front and center for everyone to see.
If only I could catch my breath then everything would be okay.

Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.

It’s not working.
I’m suffocating.
I’m in a state of panic.
I want this feeling to go away.
I want to go back to feeling like myself again.
Who have I become as a person?
I don’t recognize this person.
I used to be so confident and reassured.
But this person,
She’s different.
This person dissects her every action.
Criticizes her every thought.
She creates insecurities where there should be none.
I try to steady myself.
Just focus on my breath.

Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.

It’s starting to work.
I can see that these insecurities aren’t real,
Just made up scenarios in my mind.
My mind is playing tricks on me,
And I can’t let it win.
I think I am a good person,
My intentions are pure.
But I suffer from a case of word vomit
Where I can’t help but be honest.
My truth is my truth,
And there is nothing wrong with that.
I want to learn and grow as a person,
But I can only do that if I’m myself.
I can’t do that by masking myself form the world,
I can’t do that being someone else.
I need to be confident in myself,
And not allow my mind to control me.
The mind is a dangerous thing,
When it acts like your enemy.

Anxiety.

babies · baby · canada · depression · family · inspire · inspired · life · love · mom · parent · post-partum · quote

Why Can’t I Breathe?

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For the first 3 months postpartum, every morning when I opened my eyes I was consumed by fear and sadness. I was scared that I would have to go through another entirely new day full of the unexpected. Would my son cry a lot today? Would he feed okay? Would he want to be held for most of the day? There were too many unknowns and I had no idea what to expect. It was unfamiliar territory and it made me feel very vulnerable. Waking up in the morning was a challenge, and I hated it. I would wake up and have a panic attack. And if I am completely transparent, I wasn’t a single mom, I had a lot of support, but there was something in my head that kept telling me I wasn’t good enough. That I was somehow going to mess this all up. That my son would need something, and I wouldn’t be able to figure out how to help him. I just wanted him to be okay, and because of this, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. I felt I had to be perfect, so that he would happy.

I became a very anxious person. I never understood the power anxiety could have over a person until I experienced it myself, and boy was it an awful feeling.

But when he turned 3 months, its like something changed in our relationship. Its like we started to connect. Perhaps it’s because I started to speak to people about my struggle. But for the first time, I felt like I was actually starting to bond with my son. When we locked eyes, I felt like I could take care of him.

Make no mistake, I was still very very far from feeling confident in my parenting skills, but I was starting to build a support system to help me through some of my concerns.

I also stopped Googling for “help”. Whenever I wanted to understand a behavior my son’s exuded, or a solution to help him with a struggle like gas, I would Google. I found that Google left me confused and it stressed me out. There were so many solutions, I became overwhelmed. So, with the guidance of a doctor, I decided to stop.

Best. Decision. Ever.

When I started to slowly trust my own instincts and to reach out to people I knew, instead of a comment wall, I started to feel more confident in my own skills. If a solution didn’t work, I could reach out to the people who initially guided me and say “hey that didn’t work, got another idea?”. The open dialogue helped me work through my anxiety.

I still suffer from anxiety today – but I feel like I have the tools to work through it, and with time, I hope that I can overcome it.

babies · baby · canada · depression · family · inspire · inspired · life · love · mom · parent · politics · post-partum · quote · quotes · selfhelp · Uncategorized · work

My Girl Squad

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When people think of a group of girls, they often associate them with “cat fights”, “being bitchy” or the movie “mean girls”. But when I hit my lowest point, I found myself being uplifted by some truly exceptional women. The more I opened up about my negative self-reflection, the more determined these women became to rally around me to provide me with the support I didn’t realize I needed.

It was a strange feeling.

When it comes to my emotions, I have a history of being more introverted. I don’t really engage in friendships and I like to keep my circle very small. I have acquaintances, but not friends. Yes there is a difference.

But in this instance, I knew I needed help. I had to expand outside my regular circle. If people reached out to me and asked me how I was doing, I told them the truth. I told them I was struggling. Those who didn’t want to support me brushed over the topic, and those who wanted to help constantly checked in on me. I was okay with either. If you didn’t want to help me, I appreciated the indirect honesty. But, if you did, god bless you, you have no idea how much solace I found in our conversations.

I appreciated the advice and I appreciated the support. I truly felt like they were my pillars when I couldn’t stand on my own. I also appreciated the people who were around me who didn’t necessarily have the life experiences to guide me, but were around to just be around. To step in when I felt like I was going to have a mental breakdown. To fill in the gaps where I felt I was weak.

My girl squad was and has been my greatest blessing throughout this experience. I started to understand the importance of expanding my circle and investing my time and energy in relationships that I may have otherwise overlooked.

canada · family · inspire · inspired · life · love · politics · quote · quotes · selfhelp · Uncategorized

How am I feeling today you ask?

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I’m feeling very sad and disappointed with the state of the world today. I’m disappointed in my southern neighbor electing someone who is ignorant to the state of the world. I am upset that those negative emotions are creeping into Canada. I am so tired of the hate, and the division between people. And I am frustrated that people are having to re-fight for rights that were already established.

When did we start to go backwards?

I feel as though there is a huge void in my heart, and I don’t see it being filled anytime soon. For the past week and a half, I have been feeling very empty, and for the first time in a long time, I’ve lost hope. Gandhi says to be the change you want to see in the world, and while I am not a fan of Gandhi, I am trying to stay positive and project positivity. But, I am struggling. I am fighting hard to hold back tears every day. I feel very hollow, but I am trying with everything in me to not project negativity.

Today, on my way home from work, I saw a man’s car stopped on the side of the road. About 20 people drove past him. I also contemplated driving past, but I stopped. To be honest, I thought it was a girl. The person had long blond hair that fell to their shoulders, but when they spoke and I realized that it was a young man in his late teens or early 20s. He said thanks for stopping, but we were both equally clued out as to how to fix his car. He said it was his clutch and that he needed brake oil. I’m not sure if that’s what he needed, but I drove to the gas station to get the oil. For those of you who are a bit panicked right now, relax, I didn’t take him in the car with me, he was still a stranger. I took his number and called him when I got to the gas station to confirm that I picked up the right oil. I brought the oil back to where his car was stopped and gave it to him. He asked me how much the oil cost, and I told him to ‘pay it forward’. To which he responded, ‘I do that too’. For a split second, we both smiled, faith in humanity restored, and I walked back to my car. As I drove down the road to turn my car around, I thought, ‘what if that’s not what he needs, and I just left him?’. Fortunately, by the time I drove past him, another man, from a line of 30 cars had pulled over to help him and I was genuinely happy that another individual stopped to offer a helping hand, it gave me a bit of hope.

With this experience, I could feel that hole inside me fill a little. I left the interaction feeling a little more healed. Not fully healed, but enough to help me genuinely smile for the first time in over a week.

In that moment, we didn’t see each other’s backgrounds, economic status or level of education. We saw each other as people, helping each other.

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Thank You 2016!

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Two Thousand And Sixteen. The words seem so insignificant on paper, yet as I say the numbers out loud, I can feel a paper weight being dropped on my heart. How do I begin to describe the year I’ve hard? As I try to find the right words, I feel confined to the words of the Oxford dictionary. Why can’t language be like light? Infinite.

Two Thousand And Sixteen. Thank you. As I sit here trying to grasp for words that would do my year justice, I feel overwhelmed with emotions of gratitude. This year was tough. Filled with loss and great sadness, but for some reason my mind floats to the happy memories.

This past year, we lost a monarch in my husband’s family. We spent many months going back and forth between work, home and the hospital. While the loss was significant, my memories constantly float to hospital memories that make me smile. I will always remember the look on her face when I entered her hospital room on a day that I said I was busy at work and wouldn’t be able to make it. She was so happy, and for anyone that knew her, she didn’t show much emotion.

My maternal grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Fortunately, the doctors caught the cancer in time and were able to remove it. She underwent radiation treatment shortly after that. Although she gets tired easily and is often in pain, she is still as feisty as ever. You think I have a sharp tongue, wait till you meet my grandmother.

My lung condition also relapsed. This news was a bit tough for me to digest. I had worked so hard to try to prevent this from happening, but it just goes to show, you can’t control everything in your life. Sometimes you just have to accept the cards that you are dealt, even if they are terrible. I remember laying in the emergency room bed, trying not to cry, thinking “please don’t be a relapse”. My condition is rare and easy to misdiagnose. Prior to my diagnosis, I spent many months in and out of hospital with doctors telling me I was having muscle spasms. So when the doctor came to my bed and told me I was good to go home because I was having a muscle spasm I almost started laughing. Muscle Spasm? I asked to see my blood work and x-rays.

The pulmonologist, Dr. Wayneinder Anand, who originally diagnosed me with this rare disease and was one of my biggest blessings of 2015 also ended up being one of my biggest blessings of 2016. Prior to releasing me from his care, he taught me how to read my blood work and x-rays to identify if I was relapsing. So when I saw the results, I knew what was happening. Had he not taken the time to teach me how to read my reports, I would have continued to suffocate and not understood what was happening. My health care would have been in the hands of others. Dr. Wayneinder Anand gave me the knowledge to identify when I was having an issue, and the steps I needed to take to self-stabilize, until I was in the care of another pulmonologist.

When I reflect on Two Thousand and Sixteen I can’t help but smile. This year was filled with trials and errors, laughter, sadness and happiness, but it made me stronger. This year taught me how to be grateful for the life I have. It taught me to make the conscious decision to be optimistic and happy every day. Because when you change your perspective, you change your life.

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Dear Mother Nature

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Dear Mother Nature,

Christmas is only 19 days away and the grass is still green. I know many people would be excited by this, but not me. I love winter and all that comes with it. Yes, even the part where I have to wear 50 pairs of socks to keep my feet warm. Winter is my favorite season.

Vancouver has been receiving snow. Yes VAN-COU-VER! Let that sink in.

Is it old age? Are you having a moment? They never get snow. I think you are getting your coasts mixed up, and I’m not a happy camper. When are we going to get snow? I know I should probably be patient, but yesterday you tricked me. I woke up and there was snow on the ground. I got to wipe the snow off my windows, it was so exhilarating! But when I left work later that day, nothing! Not a single centimeter of snow anywhere. It was so warm that I could have gone outside in my hoody! A HOODY..in December?

I don’t know, maybe you are doing me a favour. Sure, I’ve gained a couple of pounds over the past year (no I’m not pregnant, just fat!) and I can’t zip up my jacket, but I promise I can handle the cold weather. I’ll wear my husbands winter jacket if that means I get snow!

You have 19 days, and then I’m really hoping for a white Christmas. I HAVE HIGH HOPES!

Thanks for hearing me out!

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canada · family · inspire · inspired · life · love · quote · quotes · selfhelp · Uncategorized · USA

Out of Town Visitors

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This past weekend my uncle and aunt came to visit. It was great seeing them, they’d both had a very tough year. My uncle survived multiple heart attacks, strokes and ultimately a heart transplant. It was a miracle that he could make the journey to come visit us. Though they only came for a short visit, their ‘trial’ run as they called it, it was difficult to say goodbye to them as they left to head home.

The last time I had seen my aunt and uncle was at my wedding, almost 6 years prior. Both of them were vibrant and so full of life. The thought of not seeing them again never crossed my mind. I don’t think it crossed any of our minds.

It’s crazy how we sometimes take those closest to us for granted. We naively assume that they will be around forever. We fail to think of a time when the annual birthday phone calls will stop, or not hearing someone’s voice again. But life is a fickle thing, and it is unrealistic for us to expect anything from life.

Life is short and we need to relish in every interaction that we have with loved ones. Not waste time on petty arguments or disagreements. We need to focus on the bigger picture, and in this case, the bigger picture being the underlying love.

My aunt and uncle asked both my sister and I repeatedly why we didn’t come to visit them. My answer was unclear. Why didn’t we go to see them? Yes I have had unfavorable interactions with people who live close to them, but that didn’t deter me from visiting my aunt and uncle. The thought of visiting them crossed my mind on more than one occasion, but I never bought my flight ticket. Instead I opted to visit warmer climates, seeing monuments that weren’t of any significance in my life. I should have prioritized seeing them.

What if I was too late? What’s the point of taking the time to attend someone’s funeral if you failed to make the effort to see them while they were alive. Fortunately, I have the opportunity to see them again. To converse with them and create memories. To prioritize what is important in my life. I am grateful for having the opportunity.

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canada · family · inspire · inspired · life · love · quote · quotes · selfhelp · USA

Choosing Not To be Offended

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In life, people are going to do things that hurt or offend you. Whether their actions are intentional or not, as recipients we are often left with a choice. Are we going to be offended by their actions or no? Personally, I often opt for the latter. I proactively make the decision to give people the benefit of the doubt, and try to understand their perspective.

Recently, I engaged in a discussion on Facebook regarding racism, and whether the actions of a group of university students was racist.

Perhaps I should take a step back and explain the situation. A group of university students attended an “around the world” themed party, whereby they dressed as people from different cultures, mainly from the Asian subcontinent. As expected at a university party, the students indulged in alcohol, and their actions may/may not have been respectful to the countries that they were representing.

Personally, I don’t believe their actions were racist. I think their actions were in poor taste. But I also believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they weren’t educated on the customs of the countries they were representing, but I don’t think they tried to go out of their way to offend people.

They are students. I vividly remember the growing pains of being one. Mentally, I grew into a very different person in university. It was where I started finding my way on this crazy place we call earth. And I don’t support using harsh words for a group of students who made an error in judgement.

Being called a racist isn’t a something one would forget. Yes they offended people, but to call them a name that puts them on the same platform as members of the KKK, in my opinion is not acceptable.

I don’t know the students personally, but I don’t think they actively went out to cause harm. Perhaps as grown adults, we can use this as a teaching opportunity. What are the university leaders doing to teach culture diversity, and educate their students? What are we doing as a society to be inclusive and learn about our neighbors backgrounds?

We don’t grow as a society by isolating a group of people by calling them names. We grow by helping them understand why their actions were offensive to a group of people.

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canada · family · inspire · inspired · life · love · quote · quotes · thanksgiving · USA

Thanksgiving Envy!

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Today is Thanksgiving in the US. It is officially the only day of the year where I wish I was an American. Not because I think the US is the greatest country on the planet, because I don’t. But because Americans get two paid days of vacation. It’s the only time of the year where you can walk up to your manager and say “sorry boss man, I have to legally take today and tomorrow off, the government is making me”.

Yes its true that I don’t agree with the holiday itself. I don’t support how the Native Indian population was treated, but I support an overworked population getting two days off to breathe and spend time with loved ones. We as a society, unless your brown (we travel in packs), don’t spend enough time with loves ones, creating lasting memories. The majority of the US population is too overworked and underpaid to spend time with the people they are breaking their bones to provide for. When you think about it, It’s a pretty sad reality! Working 12 hour shifts to provide for a family that you barely get to see. The only connection being that the same blood travels through your veins. Thanksgiving is an important holiday where people are afforded the opportunity to spend time together and share in stomach cramping laughter!

I could do with two days off to connect with family and friends! Recently, I’ve been working very long hours. By the time I reach home in the evenings I am exhausted and want to sit in silence. I log in to my brothers Netflix account (because I’m cheap) and put on the first thing I see.

To my American neighbours, enjoy this holiday for the envious green monster north of the border.

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