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My Girl Squad

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When people think of a group of girls, they often associate them with “cat fights”, “being bitchy” or the movie “mean girls”. But when I hit my lowest point, I found myself being uplifted by some truly exceptional women. The more I opened up about my negative self-reflection, the more determined these women became to rally around me to provide me with the support I didn’t realize I needed.

It was a strange feeling.

When it comes to my emotions, I have a history of being more introverted. I don’t really engage in friendships and I like to keep my circle very small. I have acquaintances, but not friends. Yes there is a difference.

But in this instance, I knew I needed help. I had to expand outside my regular circle. If people reached out to me and asked me how I was doing, I told them the truth. I told them I was struggling. Those who didn’t want to support me brushed over the topic, and those who wanted to help constantly checked in on me. I was okay with either. If you didn’t want to help me, I appreciated the indirect honesty. But, if you did, god bless you, you have no idea how much solace I found in our conversations.

I appreciated the advice and I appreciated the support. I truly felt like they were my pillars when I couldn’t stand on my own. I also appreciated the people who were around me who didn’t necessarily have the life experiences to guide me, but were around to just be around. To step in when I felt like I was going to have a mental breakdown. To fill in the gaps where I felt I was weak.

My girl squad was and has been my greatest blessing throughout this experience. I started to understand the importance of expanding my circle and investing my time and energy in relationships that I may have otherwise overlooked.

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How am I feeling today you ask?

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I’m feeling very sad and disappointed with the state of the world today. I’m disappointed in my southern neighbor electing someone who is ignorant to the state of the world. I am upset that those negative emotions are creeping into Canada. I am so tired of the hate, and the division between people. And I am frustrated that people are having to re-fight for rights that were already established.

When did we start to go backwards?

I feel as though there is a huge void in my heart, and I don’t see it being filled anytime soon. For the past week and a half, I have been feeling very empty, and for the first time in a long time, I’ve lost hope. Gandhi says to be the change you want to see in the world, and while I am not a fan of Gandhi, I am trying to stay positive and project positivity. But, I am struggling. I am fighting hard to hold back tears every day. I feel very hollow, but I am trying with everything in me to not project negativity.

Today, on my way home from work, I saw a man’s car stopped on the side of the road. About 20 people drove past him. I also contemplated driving past, but I stopped. To be honest, I thought it was a girl. The person had long blond hair that fell to their shoulders, but when they spoke and I realized that it was a young man in his late teens or early 20s. He said thanks for stopping, but we were both equally clued out as to how to fix his car. He said it was his clutch and that he needed brake oil. I’m not sure if that’s what he needed, but I drove to the gas station to get the oil. For those of you who are a bit panicked right now, relax, I didn’t take him in the car with me, he was still a stranger. I took his number and called him when I got to the gas station to confirm that I picked up the right oil. I brought the oil back to where his car was stopped and gave it to him. He asked me how much the oil cost, and I told him to ‘pay it forward’. To which he responded, ‘I do that too’. For a split second, we both smiled, faith in humanity restored, and I walked back to my car. As I drove down the road to turn my car around, I thought, ‘what if that’s not what he needs, and I just left him?’. Fortunately, by the time I drove past him, another man, from a line of 30 cars had pulled over to help him and I was genuinely happy that another individual stopped to offer a helping hand, it gave me a bit of hope.

With this experience, I could feel that hole inside me fill a little. I left the interaction feeling a little more healed. Not fully healed, but enough to help me genuinely smile for the first time in over a week.

In that moment, we didn’t see each other’s backgrounds, economic status or level of education. We saw each other as people, helping each other.

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Dear Mother Nature

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Dear Mother Nature,

Christmas is only 19 days away and the grass is still green. I know many people would be excited by this, but not me. I love winter and all that comes with it. Yes, even the part where I have to wear 50 pairs of socks to keep my feet warm. Winter is my favorite season.

Vancouver has been receiving snow. Yes VAN-COU-VER! Let that sink in.

Is it old age? Are you having a moment? They never get snow. I think you are getting your coasts mixed up, and I’m not a happy camper. When are we going to get snow? I know I should probably be patient, but yesterday you tricked me. I woke up and there was snow on the ground. I got to wipe the snow off my windows, it was so exhilarating! But when I left work later that day, nothing! Not a single centimeter of snow anywhere. It was so warm that I could have gone outside in my hoody! A HOODY..in December?

I don’t know, maybe you are doing me a favour. Sure, I’ve gained a couple of pounds over the past year (no I’m not pregnant, just fat!) and I can’t zip up my jacket, but I promise I can handle the cold weather. I’ll wear my husbands winter jacket if that means I get snow!

You have 19 days, and then I’m really hoping for a white Christmas. I HAVE HIGH HOPES!

Thanks for hearing me out!

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Out of Town Visitors

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This past weekend my uncle and aunt came to visit. It was great seeing them, they’d both had a very tough year. My uncle survived multiple heart attacks, strokes and ultimately a heart transplant. It was a miracle that he could make the journey to come visit us. Though they only came for a short visit, their ‘trial’ run as they called it, it was difficult to say goodbye to them as they left to head home.

The last time I had seen my aunt and uncle was at my wedding, almost 6 years prior. Both of them were vibrant and so full of life. The thought of not seeing them again never crossed my mind. I don’t think it crossed any of our minds.

It’s crazy how we sometimes take those closest to us for granted. We naively assume that they will be around forever. We fail to think of a time when the annual birthday phone calls will stop, or not hearing someone’s voice again. But life is a fickle thing, and it is unrealistic for us to expect anything from life.

Life is short and we need to relish in every interaction that we have with loved ones. Not waste time on petty arguments or disagreements. We need to focus on the bigger picture, and in this case, the bigger picture being the underlying love.

My aunt and uncle asked both my sister and I repeatedly why we didn’t come to visit them. My answer was unclear. Why didn’t we go to see them? Yes I have had unfavorable interactions with people who live close to them, but that didn’t deter me from visiting my aunt and uncle. The thought of visiting them crossed my mind on more than one occasion, but I never bought my flight ticket. Instead I opted to visit warmer climates, seeing monuments that weren’t of any significance in my life. I should have prioritized seeing them.

What if I was too late? What’s the point of taking the time to attend someone’s funeral if you failed to make the effort to see them while they were alive. Fortunately, I have the opportunity to see them again. To converse with them and create memories. To prioritize what is important in my life. I am grateful for having the opportunity.

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My Hollow Mind…

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted in the blogosphere, and I’ve missed it. It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say, I promise you there is plenty. However, the words have been held captive in the depth of my mind. The thoughts, they swirl around my brain like the paint on a painter’s palette, intertwined, defined and not defined at the same time.

I recently achieved one of my biggest goals, and while I should be over the moon about this achievement, I feel hollow inside. I’m not quite sure what this void is, but it exists. I almost feel as though I am having an out of body experience. I can see myself going through the motions of living my life, however I don’t feel them. It’s very confusing.

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m very happy in my life. I am not upset or sad, but I don’t feel that I am fully engaged in my life. I’m not indulging in my emotions the way I think I should. It’s almost as though I am moving through life with a “proceed with caution” mentality. Scared that my life is in such a great place, that if you throw a rock at it, it will shatter.

It’s a scary feeling. One that I need to learn how to overcome. Perhaps it will go away over time, perhaps I need to speak to someone, who knows. But I need to find a way to enjoy my life. I’ve worked hard for the life I am building for myself, and I need to enjoy it!
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Truth Be Told

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When I got sick last year, it changed me as a person. It made me a cynical person. I am, was, a person who would go out of her way to help people. I found joy in it, and I genuinely wanted to make the lives of the people I cared about easier. Now, that person feels like a lifetime away, and if I am being honest, if I saw her today I would call her a naive fool.

Throughout the duration of my illness, I felt very lonely. I was fighting a battle, and no one co20150426_234045278_iOSuld help me. It was me against this thing that was attacking me from the inside. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I had people visit me daily to inquire a out my health and to keep me company. But I can count these people on one hand. For someone, such as myself who has a large circle, it was truly disheartening.  I became skeptical of the people in my life. It was my rude awakening.
I spent a year trying to run away from my negative thoughts. I took up hair and make up lessons and became a certified artist. If I looked good on the outside, surely that would translate into me becoming a happier person on the inside. That was a lie. I only felt
more empty and alone. I took up a project management class, and tried to cross a few more items off of my bucket list, but that only made me feel more sad. Who did I have to share these great milestones with? People who weren’t there for me when I was at my lowest point?
I was sad, I am sad and I don’t know how to overcome this deep disappointment. This may be a terrible example, but you know when you’ve finished making a lavish meal and the kitchen is a disaster. You’re exhausted after cooking, but you have to clean up your mess, its frustrating, but you get through it. All you have left are these great memories of the exceptional tasting meal that you’ve created. I have the exact opposite of that feeling. I went through this horrid experience that taught me how strong I can be, but all I remember is who wasn’t there for me.
Its a sad feeling, and i’m hoping that with time, I learn how to overcome it.
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Disconnected

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Recently, I’ve found it difficult to connect with people on a human level. I can’t remember the last time I had a genuinely honest conversation with someone, and i’m growing tired of the superficial conversations I have with people. You know, the ones where we instinctively start to discuss whose life is more difficult. It’s like we’re in a rat race, constantly trying to outdo the next person. When the truth is, we are all just going through the motions of life and the growing pains that come along with it.

If I am being completely honest, I have a great life. I work on my flaws and improve on my weaknesses. I work really hard on growing myself into the person I want to be. However, I feel ashamed to let the world know how happy I am. Why? Because people become jealous and envious that you seem so “put together”. They don’t see the behind the scenes hard work I’ve put into the person I am evolving into. They only find reason to be resentful.

I have a very positive outlook on my life. I focus on the positives, and understand that the problem areas can be worked on. I know that nothing in life is constant and I am okay with that. But I don’t spend each day feeling angry about the pain points in my life. I accept them and roll with the punches, and that works for me. It allows me to stay focused and evolve into the person I want to become.

However, I constantly live in a fear that if I let people know how happy I am that they will find me un-relatable. When the truth is, the only difference between us is the outlook we have on life. I don’t see the grey areas in my life as problems. I see them as opportunities to grow. My approach to the grey areas is to accept them and look for a solution, if there isn’t one, I will sit on the problem until I can find one. When I advise people on how to solve problems in their lives, they find my approach too harsh, or they will give me a list of 100 reasons why the solution won’t work. They make the choice to stay pessimistic, and I can feel myself being sucked into the vacuum that is their negativity. And my outlook on life isn’t negative, so I can’t relate. And in turn there is a disconnect between my world and me.

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Word Vomit

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My dad always told me to have value in the things I say. He said I should think about my vocabulary before vocalizing my thoughts, and to understand that once I spoke, I would lose ownership of those words. They would fall prey to the interpretation of the listener.

However I suffer form a serious case of word vomit. I often speak first and think later. If I am being completely honest, sometimes I find myself annoying and feel like saying, “just shut up”, but instead I just keep rambling like the court jester. While I speak from the heart, and constantly try to help those around me, I sometimes I think I need to sit back and let people make their own decisions free from my opinions.

The problem with that is, I often find myself giving an opinion before I can catch myself. While my opinion may be honest, I am too straight forward, and it causes people to feel defensive when they don’t need to be.

I recently told someone that I thought they have a drinking problem. For the sake of this blog I will refer to this person as Emma. I wasn’t very tactful in my approach. Being the straight forward person that I am, I spoke bluntly from a place of concern, causing this person to get defensive. While I think I was wrong in how I approached the subject, I have serious concerns about this persons health, and now realize that she has people in her life that enable this behaviour. She doesn’t have many people in her corner, trying to encourage her to sort out her issue. Instead, she’s surrounded by people who encourage and promote the drinking. What Emma doesn’t realize is that if she has serious health issues in the future, due to the alcohol abuse, these people who are enabling her won’t be there to pick up the pieces. Those close to her will be.

Its very frustrating for me to sit and just watch her indulge in behaviours that aren’t helping her build a healthy life for herself. Instead, she is holding on to a lifestyle that she should have outgrown. But thats just my judgemental opinion. Perhaps I am being judgemental, or maybe I just see a better future for her than she envisions. Either way, I regret my approach to the topic, because it is a serious topic.

I wish I had better control over my words. However, they often come out before I can stop them, and while I come from a good place. I realize that my opinions aren’t always needed. In the case with Emma, maybe she needed to hear my opinion, or maybe it just pushed her further, i’m not really sure. Either way, I think I could have approached the subject matter in a more compassionate way. After all, if someone is drinking to suppress emotions, bluntly telling them they have a drinking problem isn’t going to help them.

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TIFF – Kilo Two Bravo

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Recently I had the opportunity to cross two items off of my bucket list. The first was to watch a movie at the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF), and the second was to watch a movie at the TIFF Lightbox. Though I’m not a movie buff, being a Torontonian, I’ve always felt attending the TIFF Festival is something a person from the GTA should do at least once in their lifetime. However, what I didn’t expect was the rude awakening I would receive by watching the 108 minute masterpiece that is Kilo Two Bravo.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, I don’t know anyone in the armed forced, and so I’ve never been able to understand a service man or woman’s journey/experience. In grade school, we read about the sacrifices service men and women have made and continue to make for us. And on November 11th, we dutifully participate in a moment of silence to pay our respects to them. However, after watching Kilo Two Bravo, I realize that we don’t give our servicemen and women a tenth of the respect they deserve.

Perhaps, I should backtrack a little and explain the plot line of the movie.  Kilo Two Bravo is based on a true story and is about a contingent of soldiers who find themselves trapped in a live minefield. Over a period of 5 hours, soldiers are severely injured. However, they are resilient and refuse to give up on the hope that help will come.

Watching this movie, I started to understand the strength in the troops comradery, and started to understand the reality that many servicemen and women face every day. Once the movie ended, I found myself feeling frustrated by the state of veteran affairs and support for servicemen and women in this country.

I have the opportunity to experience the exceptional life that I do because someone somewhere made the decision to sacrifice his/her life for me. However, my naivety in veteran’s issues created an invisible blockade that prevented me from fighting for their lives upon their return from duty. I am failing those who make the ultimate sacrifice for me because I expect someone else to educate me on the topic? The more I analyze my behavior, the more I realize that I need to fix it. I need to pay attention to veteran’s issues and proactively learn more about them.

I am truly grateful to the writers, producers, actors and director for creating this movie because it was definitely an awakening that I needed to have.

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Quicksand

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Sometimes I feel as though I am stuck in quick sand in the middle of a cross road. Afraid to move, for fear of sinking in deeper, I slowly look around me to see which road I want to travel.  I am faced with the decision of who I want to be as a person, and the type of life I want to create for myself.

To my left, I see a life focused on my career. This is a road that I am familiar with. A workaholic by nature, I love to work and reap the rewards of my hard work. However, I question whether this road is still for me. Do I want to make my work my life? Yes it will bring me all of the luxuries in life, but do I want to be defined by what I have, instead of who I am?

To my right, I see a simple life with a white picket fence. I am outside watering the grass and feel a sense of inner peace and calm. My feelings of aggression, motivation and determination have disappeared and I am simply content with being in my own skin. I don’t have a very big house, but I feel wealthy.

And then there is the road ahead of me. I can’t make out what is in front of me, it’s shielded by fog. But, for some reason I feel excited by it. Maybe it’s the feeling of not knowing what’s there that makes me want to impulsively jump out of the quick sand and sprint in its direction. However, I am reluctant to act on my impulses. If I move too quickly, I will sink into the sand, and the roads ahead of me will disappear.

So as I slowly try to maneuver myself out of the sand, I patiently recite the wise words my uncle once told me.

“Sandy, one thing you need to remember about your career is, you
can achieve anything you want to, but you need to look at the costs
associated with the decisions you make. I am very successful in my
career, but I had to sacrifice time with my children. I would come home
from work and open up my computer. I would take a break to eat dinner,
and then I would get back to work. I had to sacrifice a lot. Now that I am
older, I maybe would have done things a bit differently”.

As I look at the roads that lay ahead of me, I question my choices and realize that the roads to my left and right are extreme examples of what is important to me. Perhaps the foggy road ahead of me is the road I’m meant to take. Where I learn to balance my work and family life, and create a legacy for myself. As I reach this realization, I can feel the sand loosen around my legs and slowly disappear.

I am free to walk the path I choose.
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