life

Finding Solace

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Recently, I have been searching for clarity through the whirlwind of emotions swirling around my mind. Perhaps this comes with the territory of approaching 40 years old, but my mind has been a battleground, particularly concerning my interactions with Jane at work. I’ve spoken about her in this blog before, and the emotional rollercoaster she put me through led me to repeatedly assert that I could no longer assist her. Yet, deep down, I harbored a desire for her well-being, hoping she would find improvement.

That was until yesterday. With the passing of my uncle, it was as though a switch flipped in my mind. It wasn’t until I was articulating my feelings out loud that I realized I was waging an unwinnable war. I could repeatedly sacrifice myself in hopes that she would get better, but this was an internal battle within her that continued to be beyond my reach. This is solely her battle to fight. Any external changes or support I offered would be inconsequential because her healing needed to originate from within. Sacrificing myself repeatedly in the hope of her recovery is pointless.

Despite the attempts by Jane and her manager to cast me in an unfavorable light, I’ve found solace. I am respectfully handing the bag of responsibility back to the respectful owner. I tried my best to assist, but her choices remain her own. Her life circumstances are shaped by her decisions, and if she neglects the professional help available to her, that’s her prerogative. I no longer feel compelled to lead the horse to water. Instead I am redirecting my focus onto myself and what I need to feed my soul and grow.

— xoxo Sandy

life

Bad Deals Die

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January 9th 1997 marked the first time I lost someone to suicide. February 9th, 2024 marked the second. Both males. Both feeling as though life had dealt them a ‘bad deal’.

I have been sitting on this for a few days now, trying to process the loss and understand how lonely one must feel to believe that the world is better without them in it.  As I sit here, I realize that many of us have been there. At an unbearable low, drowning in the negative thoughts that flood our thoughts. This recent loss has been felt far and wide, with many connecting to the internal emptiness that we have felt at some point in our lives. Realizing that this could have easily been any one of us. However, we were the fortunate ones, able to fight and generate the heat needed to fight through the thick fog created by our negative thoughts.

I am angered by the mind and the games it plays on us. We would never sit beside someone and consent to them spewing such negativity at us. So why does our mind get a free pass?  Why do we let our thoughts spin us in tornados of negativity? Cementing lies and focusing on all our short comings. We all have our strengths, and its okay to get help for our mental state. Recenter our thoughts on what makes us great.

It’s also important for us to put ourselves in rooms where our environment serves as a positive reflection point for us to improve and get better. With this recent loss, I know that those close to him were fighting for him. I know that many invested the best of themselves to try and help him. But its hard to help someone from the outside when the internal voices are so domineering. It was the inside that needs help. His mind was plagued with guilt, and after his passing, many of us are left with a similar feeling. Guilt. Guilt for being rude, mean, and judgmental. And I if I have learned anything from this recent loss, its that we need to extend a bit of grace for ourselves. Grace for being human and understanding that we need to take care of ourselves before we can help those around us. The world sees the facade that we present, but only we know the thoughts that play on repeat in our minds. Those left behind will be left to overcome the trauma of survivor’s guilt. Something I am all to familiar with. I will forever repeat my last interaction with him in my mind and be angered that I wasn’t kinder. But we are all fighting an internal battle that no one knows about, and we can’t take accountability for the actions of others. Toxic thoughts are like poison, and if we don’t get professional help to treat them and overcome them, we have learned nothing from this recent loss. We need to fight for ourselves too.   

—- xoxo Sandy

life

Fuck You Jane!

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Today was very tiring for me mentally. I have been working on applying the skills my son showed me with my coworker, and it is hard. I talk about her so much that I should give her a name. How about Jane?

Jane is still scheduling customer meetings, talking about topics that are not her expertise (they are actually mine), and then complicating my work. I have aggressive goals that I need to achieve, and it’s difficult to do this when I have someone meddling with how I do my work. Her actions directly affect my job performance.

I have lost count of how often I have to escalate to a manager, but for once, I didn’t hesitate to do so this time. I escalated. Or rather, I wrote an email and included her manager in it.

I am beyond frustrated. I keep hearing how she has surpassed her sales targets, and I want to scream ‘of course!’. All of the sellers supporting this territory have goals to meet, and we are all working overtime to compensate for her lack of skills and competence in her role. But go ahead, praise her and reward her.

It makes me wonder why I bother to work so hard. I blame my parents. I wish I could be lazy and say ‘I don’t care’. But that’s not me. I only know how to work hard and challenge myself and it is intolerable that I have to work twice as hard to fix the ‘work’ (if you can call it that), and then align the deals so that we can meet the targets. It would be one thing if I just had to do my job, but it’s another when I have to cover for her.

I have enough to deal with at home, taking care of my family. I don’t have the stamina to constantly adjust the deals that Jane has messed up. Working with her makes me so anxious. I have been trying to avoid a panic attack all evening. My management keeps turning a blind eye to the problems my colleagues and I face with Jane, and I know that tomorrow will be just more of the same crap!

My husband tells me not to worry because I can’t control what’s happening, I can only control myself – he can see the stress and anxiety on my face. He says ‘you talk about Jane every night’, and its true, I do. My coworker says ‘don’t let her ruin your spirit’, but I can’t help it. It has been years of this nonsense. Years of escalating to management and nothing changes. It’s sad to say it, but I feel like Jane has crushed my soul. And yes I know someone can only crush you if you let them. But years of dealing with this has worn me out. I don’t know how much more I can handle. When we were assigned to the same territory at the start of the year, I told my manager that I feared this would end up with HR. I think we are at that point. I can’t continue to work in this toxic work setting.

I am not the only one who feels this way, I have shed tears, real tears, with some of my coworkers a few times because we are constantly having to make up for Jane’s shortcomings. I am just so exhausted and I feel powerless to change anything.

— xoxo Sandy

life

Unkind Behaviour

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The best part of having children is that they teach us so much. Kids have this wonderful ability to set boundaries for how people interact with them, and as adults, I think it’s important for us to support this skill set. Not change them to become people who always agree or please others.

The other day, like any other day, I was picking up my son from school and inquiring about his day. He had taken supplies to school that day for an in-class project, and I wanted to learn more about it. I had given him extra supplies to share with his classmates, and I saw that he returned a lot of them. He told me that another student in his class had asked to use some of his supplies, and he refused. I was a bit disappointed with my son after hearing this. But he added ‘why should I share with someone who was mean to me today? I’m not sharing’. I told him that he had more than enough and he could have shared. And my son just replied with a simple ‘no’.

I observed him in that moment and thought, you’re right! If someone is unkind to you, why do you have to show them compassion? They were unkind to you, why should you have to ignore their behaviour to assist them and give them what they ask for? I took that lesson and I tried to apply it to help me with the issue I talked about earlier in my blog about the difficult colleague. ‘Why am I making an effort to support and help someone who is determined to ruin their own life?’ I have tried to help, but if they can’t treat me with respect, why should I sympathize with them? They are grown adults, and their actions have negatively impacted me. Why do I then feel obligated to help them? They can learn to help themselves.

I am truly grateful for the lesson my son taught me in that moment because it helped change something inside me. A light blub turned on in my mind, and I could feel a shift. It helped me see the worth in myself and set a boundary for what I consider acceptable behaviours when people interact with me.

— xoxo Sandy

life

Emotionally Unavailable

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Growing up, I admired the adults in my life and looked up to them. I thought they were amazing and they were. But as I got older and gained more life experience, I realized that my rose-coloured lenses were fogging my vision.

As an adult, I see many adults coping and healing from their childhood traumas. Realizing that life was not as wonderful as they thought. Learning that those who they believed were guarding them were just trying to get by. Get by to pay their bills, meet the expectations of others and provide for their children. As a child of immigrants, I witnessed how hard my parents worked and they did work hard. But in the process of surviving, my siblings and I had to fend for ourselves. Don’t get me wrong, we always had a parent around, they were always there physically. But were they emotionally present? I think they did their best, and I don’t want to take away their effort, but they were not emotionally there to support us. My siblings and I had to ‘figure it out’. Maybe that’s why all 4 of us siblings are A type personalities. We know how to survive. It was a skill we learned from years of picking ourselves up.

As I write this, I can’t help but reflect on my dad’s childhood. Losing his own father at 17 and having to step up with his brother to help his family. Being forced to grow up too soon, only to be later judged by ungrateful family members who will never fully appreciate what it means to be alone in a country to shut down a business your own father built from scratch and move your family to another country for a better life. I can’t imagine the emotional impact that it would have on a person, and the lasting trauma that it would cause. How does one survive that? By putting one foot in front of the other. That’s how.

But that experience would change you.

I grew up with parents who were often sick. My father more than my mother. It was hard to see. It was hard to live through seeing your father too ill to get out of bed. I still remember the days when I only saw him when he came to the dinner table and then he struggled to walk back to his room. The smell of the Chinese medicines that he cooked on the stove. He had been told that he had a short time to live. But he fought through so that his older children would not have to face the same challenges he did, to support ungrateful younger siblings. And he survived. He made it.  

As an adult, and a parent to young children, I now realize the strength you need to survive. Even with good jobs that pay well, you still have to fight every day. Fight for yourself and do your best. But I need to do better. Growing up, I did not have the luck of having parents who were emotionally available. And I need to learn how to be emotionally available. I admit that this is my biggest weakness. I have done a lot of work on myself in my adult years to grow, and I keep working. But I am not where I should be. This morning, I screamed at my son because he did not want to get ready for school. He wanted me to change his clothes. And I got so frustrated. I was angry that he did not take the initiative to change his own clothes. He can do it. He started crying and I left him in his room to cry. I came back 15 minutes later and he was still sitting on the floor, in his PJ’s. I was so angry. I gave up and changed his clothes for him, but I was so angry. I kept saying ‘do you know how much I have to do every morning to get you to school? Don’t you understand how much work I have?’ I was venting my frustrations on him. I was expecting him to take care of himself, so I could take care of myself. But I’m the parent. Adult me is the result of someone who has had to ‘figure everything out herself’, and I don’t want that for my kids. I want them to know that I am there for them whenever they need. I need to change. I have to grow for them and become more emotionally available. I have felt terrible all day. Because it’s not my son’s responsibility to cater to my feelings and needs. It’s my responsibility to help him. So, after he went to school, I went to his room, and I installed a clothing hook. He can pick what he wants to wear the night before and get it ready. And in the morning, he can put on the clothes that he picked without needing me to pick them for him. And he doesn’t have to deal with my emotions. That’s my job. And I am going to give him the tools to help him be the best version of himself.

I don’t want to let him down by constantly having him manage ‘mumma in survival mode’.   I understand that changing habits and patterns is not easy. A lot of work is needed to heal from childhood wounds and to become more aware of how my words and actions are impacting my children. Listening more and yelling less is a goal to strive for.

I am counting down the hours till he comes home from school so that I can apologize to him. Because I have to do better.

— xoxo Sandy

life

Expectations

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As I interact with and observe people, I notice how many people have a selfish attitude. It makes me sad to see that people will do anything to get what they want, even if it means hurting others. And I often ask myself why? Why do they behave like this? Does it make them happy?

I know that people are imperfect, including me. But why do people constantly prioritize their own needs over the people they care about? Is that the key to happiness?

Every religion teaches some form of ‘love your neighbor’ or ‘be generous to your family’. I think these are the foundations of happiness. But as someone who struggles with depression, maybe I am wrong? If I deliberately do something that I know will harm someone, it affects me. It bothers me until I fix it. So how do people cope with choices that they know will hurt another person? How do they live with it? That is a sincere question that I have.

I want to grow, and I think this is an area of growth.

–xoxo Sandy

life

January 9th

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Some people claim that time heals all wounds, but I find this statement completely false. First of all, who are these people and what authority do they have to make such a sweeping claim? Second of all, it’s not time that heals wounds, but rather, actively working on healing yourself.

Grade 7, January 9th has forever been etched in my mind. It changed me as a person. Toronto had a massive snowstorm, and my friend, who I have cherished memories of, decided to cut the phone cords in his home and end his life. His funeral was the first one I ever attended, and until recently, I would wonder if there was anything more I could have done to help him. But the truth is, to embrace life also means to accept death. Even though he was very young, he made a choice. A choice that affected the lives of those who loved him forever.

Soon after his death, there were rumors that he was gay and he was harassed for it. I don’t know if there was any truth to the rumors, and frankly, it doesn’t matter. He was a kind person, and the world lost some of its magic. There was a hill that we used to play on often, and I still pass that hill and smile. He made my childhood a little brighter, and I’m grateful for that.

As I sit here on January 9th, more than 27 years later, Toronto is having another snowstorm, and I’m reminded of that day in grade 9. Hearing the news of his parents running to a neighbor to ask them to call an ambulance. The memories come back, and I’m finally making the decision to work through my unresolved feelings. His death changed me as a person. I’m known to be a very outspoken person, but if you pay attention to what I say, I will never deliberately say something to hurt anyone. My friend’s death taught me that the saying ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me’ is nothing but nonsense. Words matter. They have weight. They can push someone over the edge.

His death impacted me so much that for the last 3 years, I have been doing my job and a colleague’s job to ‘cover for them’. Even though it has been at my own expense. My colleague lost both of her parents at the same time and spiraled down. I felt that it was my duty to ‘help her’ while she got back to being herself. But she hasn’t been herself since. At what point do I recognize that her experience has changed her as a person forever? And at what point do I say, ‘it’s not my duty to heal her and take a step back for my own mental health’. Last year, I made the decision to talk to her manager and my own manager, because it was becoming too much for me. It wasn’t only the work that was dragging me down, it was her hostility and her rudeness. Sometimes she sounded drunk on the phone, other times she sounded high. I would repeatedly say ‘go get help!’, and ‘focus on your job! this is your livelihood, you have kids!’ But it felt like everything I said fell on deaf ears.

My own trauma of my friend’s passing makes it hard for me to give up on my colleague. I can’t walk away. I know who she was before her life was turned upside down. And while I know it’s not my ‘duty’, I can’t leave her behind. My peers will say ‘it’s not your job to fix this’, and I know it’s not. But I also understand her worth, even if she can’t see it right now. I’m starting to understand that it’s her job to fight for the life that she wants. She is an adult, and I can’t make her get help that she doesn’t want. Her blessing through this experience is to understand that yesterday is gone, hold on to the memories and lessons, and find a way forward in her own power.

And my lesson is to understand that it’s my responsibility to focus on the happy and wonderful things happening in my life. To be easier on myself and understand that how other people live their lives is not my responsibility. I understand that my friend chose to end his life, I did not choose that for him, nor can I alter the past. But just because I couldn’t save him in the past, doesn’t mean it’s my responsibility to save someone in my present. They have to save themselves. They have to fight for themselves. I have been urging her to get professional help for 3 years. I have done my part; the actions are now up to her. She has to make the decision to fight for herself, and I have to find peace with that. This is something that I’m struggling with, but I’m trying.

— xoxo Sandy

life

Kim K, You Got It Wrong!

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Kim Kardashian is one of my idols. She shows how hard work can lead to success in life. Some people say she is creating unrealistic expectations of beauty. But I think that is unfair. There is a huge industry that has been doing that for a long time, run by men. People are only angry now because a woman is making money from it. Kim Kardashian knows how the beauty industry works and she is good at it.

But I disagree with her recent comments on mental health. She said: “But I do love the ‘fake it until you make it,’ because I think if you are a person that is not happy, or is depressed, and you can’t get up to — don’t have that drive to work, if you’re faking that you’re happy and you are at least putting out that energy that you are happy, you will feel that. You will get there. I always have really felt that.”

I have high functioning depression and I know that her advice is wrong. Lately, I have been feeling very negative. Nobody can tell from the outside. I go to work, I socialize, I play with my kids. But inside, I feel lonely. I feel like nobody supports me. I feel empty. I feel abandoned. Even though I know it is not true. My mind is trying to deceive me.

I know this will pass eventually. But right now, nothing I do or achieve makes me happy. I only feel a brief joy when I finish something, but then I feel sad and lonely again.

Maybe she knows how that feels. Maybe she is lonely too and tries to fill it with success. Maybe she is addicted to that short-lived happiness when she accomplishes something. I can relate to that. But that is not a good way to live. And to tell people that pretending to be happy will make them happy. That is not true. I have never seen that happen.

— xoxo Sandy

life

Mirrorball

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For as long as I can remember, I have been using the term disco ball to refer to a Mirrorball. I only found out today that I have been mistaken all this time. Maybe that explains why I never got the results I wanted when I searched for items like a chandelier with ‘disco balls’.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love them. They have always fascinated me, but I never knew why. They are shiny, but that’s not all. Taylor Swift did an amazing job articulating feelings that I couldn’t express in the documentary for ‘Folklore’. Unfortunately, I can’t paraphrase what she said without changing the meaning, so i’ve provided a link below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDA-xfYN28k

Sometimes, I feel worn out. Tired of constantly putting on a show and meeting the expectations of the different roles in my life. I want to learn how to relax. I want to discover who I am and what matters to me. I am taking steps to do what makes me happy and replenishes my energy.

Yesterday, I went to Second City for girls night. Some of the girls drank too much and missed out on the show. I was sober and enjoying the comedy. So, when the girls decided to leave and go to a lounge, I told them to have fun, but I chose to stay behind and watch the rest of the show. After spending all day caring for little children, I didn’t want to spend my night caring for adults. This was momma’s night out and for the first time, I decided to put my needs first. Usually, I’m the girl in the group who is always checking on everyone. Making sure everyone is okay. But last night, I just thought. Enough. It’s my turn to take care of me. What do I want? And in that moment, I stopped ‘performing’. It doesn’t make me a bad friend to not take care of others. But it does make me a bad person if I don’t take care of myself first.

— xoxo Sandy

life

Shackled Bird

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Every day, I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle, trying to explain something that falls on deaf ears. I understand that others want to be heard, but I am tired of silencing my voice in the process. At this stage in my life, I find it exhausting to constantly stay quiet to accommodate other people’s needs.

I feel like a shackled bird, trying to break free, but being forcefully pulled back into a box. I am a strong person, but I don’t want to minimize myself to let others find their wings. I want to spread my wings and soar through the sky.

I want to be me.

— xoxo Sandy