imperfection – The Inner Workings of My Thoughts

I have lost touch with who I am. I always expect the worst, and I don’t know how to enjoy the present. Last night, I watched the movie Buzz Lightyear with my kids. I got annoyed with Buzz as I watched him. ‘Why do you think you can do everything by yourself, when you have friends who can help you?’ As the movie went on, I realized that I am like Buzz. I always try to plan, organize and fix everything. I put too much pressure on myself. I make my life difficult. God has his own plans, so why do I keep trying to achieve perfection?

Perfection is impossible, so why do I set myself up for failure, and then get angry with myself. I trap myself in a cycle of disappointment and frustration. I need to change, but I don’t know how. I am so drained, both mentally and physically by the pressure I create for myself. My expectations for myself are unrealistically high. I always say that I am the person in the group who has planned for contingencies, just in case something goes wrong. But it’s exhausting being in my head. I don’t want to be 10 steps ahead. I don’t want to be the go to person. I want to simply be.

I need to embrace wabi sabi. I am not sure if that is the right way to use the term in a sentence, but wabi sabi is about finding happiness and significance in the simple, the natural, and the flawed. It is about accepting yourself and others as they are, without judgment or criticism. It is about letting go of expectations and attachments, and living in the present moment. Wabi sabi is about being perfectly imperfect.

I need to change, and I need to learn how to change. I need to let go and find joy in the flaws. So this is my first step. Recognition. I recognize that I need to be gentle with myself, and allow myself and others to grow and make mistakes. Allow myself to make mistakes.

— xoxo Sandy

Recently, I’ve found it difficult to connect with people on a human level. I can’t remember the last time I had a genuinely honest conversation with someone, and i’m growing tired of the superficial conversations I have with people. You know, the ones where we instinctively start to discuss whose life is more difficult. It’s like we’re in a rat race, constantly trying to outdo the next person. When the truth is, we are all just going through the motions of life and the growing pains that come along with it.

If I am being completely honest, I have a great life. I work on my flaws and improve on my weaknesses. I work really hard on growing myself into the person I want to be. However, I feel ashamed to let the world know how happy I am. Why? Because people become jealous and envious that you seem so “put together”. They don’t see the behind the scenes hard work I’ve put into the person I am evolving into. They only find reason to be resentful.

I have a very positive outlook on my life. I focus on the positives, and understand that the problem areas can be worked on. I know that nothing in life is constant and I am okay with that. But I don’t spend each day feeling angry about the pain points in my life. I accept them and roll with the punches, and that works for me. It allows me to stay focused and evolve into the person I want to become.

However, I constantly live in a fear that if I let people know how happy I am that they will find me un-relatable. When the truth is, the only difference between us is the outlook we have on life. I don’t see the grey areas in my life as problems. I see them as opportunities to grow. My approach to the grey areas is to accept them and look for a solution, if there isn’t one, I will sit on the problem until I can find one. When I advise people on how to solve problems in their lives, they find my approach too harsh, or they will give me a list of 100 reasons why the solution won’t work. They make the choice to stay pessimistic, and I can feel myself being sucked into the vacuum that is their negativity. And my outlook on life isn’t negative, so I can’t relate. And in turn there is a disconnect between my world and me.

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Tag: imperfection

Wabi Sabi

Disconnected