Tag: Poetry

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Anxiety

darklightness1 Comment

Waking up in the middle of the night,
Feeling an all too familiar feeling
I ’m gasping for air
But i’m not taking any in.
I try to steady myself.
Just focus on my breath.

Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.

It’s not working,
I’m suffocating.
Why does this keep happening?
Why do I feel so vulnerable and exposed?
I feel as though the world is judging me
And I’m consumed with insecurities.
I think I am a good person,
My intentions are pure.
But I suffer from a case of word vomit
Where I can’t help but be honest.
My truth is my truth,
Perhaps that is my downfall.
I speak from the heart,
I vocalize my thoughts,
I seek understanding and guidance
With a little dose of support.
Why do I feel so disappointed in myself?
Why do I feel so frustrated?
Why do I feel as though I’m letting people down?
I feel as though I’m living in a glass box at the edge of a cliff.

One wrong step,
I fall and everything shatters.
My failures are front and center for everyone to see.
If only I could catch my breath then everything would be okay.

Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.

It’s not working.
I’m suffocating.
I’m in a state of panic.
I want this feeling to go away.
I want to go back to feeling like myself again.
Who have I become as a person?
I don’t recognize this person.
I used to be so confident and reassured.
But this person,
She’s different.
This person dissects her every action.
Criticizes her every thought.
She creates insecurities where there should be none.
I try to steady myself.
Just focus on my breath.

Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.

It’s starting to work.
I can see that these insecurities aren’t real,
Just made up scenarios in my mind.
My mind is playing tricks on me,
And I can’t let it win.
I think I am a good person,
My intentions are pure.
But I suffer from a case of word vomit
Where I can’t help but be honest.
My truth is my truth,
And there is nothing wrong with that.
I want to learn and grow as a person,
But I can only do that if I’m myself.
I can’t do that by masking myself form the world,
I can’t do that being someone else.
I need to be confident in myself,
And not allow my mind to control me.
The mind is a dangerous thing,
When it acts like your enemy.

Anxiety.

life

Dear Avee,

darklightnessLeave a comment

I hope you are enjoying your time in heaven.  I hope you are proud of us and smiling at everything we have accomplished. We didn’t know the last time we saw each other would be the final goodbye. I am grateful for the joy you brought to my life and I want to thank you for the happy memories.

It took me a long time to accept that your death didn’t mean I had to stop living, But I still think about you every day. Even though we would have been an ocean apart, I know we would have stayed in touch like we do with your sister. I miss you, and I’m heartbroken that you’re not here. I’m sad that I don’t get visit you when I visit England.  I still remember you as a playful kid, running around the kitchen with a bottle in your mouth, ignoring your mom. I can still hear her calling your name like it was yesterday. You were so free-spirited. A cheeky little boy.  I wonder what you would have grown up to be. What kind of music would you have enjoyed, what kind of food would you have loved. Would you have followed your dad’s footsteps in the shoe business? Would you have learned to fly like your sister? The possibilities would have been limitless.

I still remember the day we learned that you were gone. It was only a few months after we moved to Canada. I went to school and cried all day. I was too young to understand how someone could hurt a child, but that day I realized that the world is not a safe place. I realized that not everyone is good, and that I had to be careful. Maybe that’s why I always expect the worst from people, to protect myself.

But to move on, I need to stop dwelling on the day you died and how you died. I need to focus on the happy times and thank you for being part of my story. The time was brief, but I need to appreciate the quality of our time together, not the quantity. I need to let go of the pain. I need to let go of the sorrow. I need to open my heart again and be vulnerable. Its tiring being so guarded, I need to start connecting with others.

I love you, and you will always be in my heart, brother. Give my love to your mom!

I pray that you are at peace.

Love you Always,

Sandy   

life

Frustrating

darklightnessLeave a comment

Everything is frustrating.

People are frustrating.

The way I put so much effort into relationships is frustrating.

My need to make sure people are happy is frustrating. (Seriously, why do I care so much?)

My ability to be genuinely excited for people is frustrating. (The same people who can’t be bothered to show up for me)

The way I care about people is frustrating.

The way people abuse and take me for granted is frustrating.

The way I abuse myself is frustrating.

People don’t value me.

I don’t value me.

I waste my time and energy with people who don’t deserve it. 

I am frustrating.