Tag: thoughts

life

Unkind Behaviour

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The best part of having children is that they teach us so much. Kids have this wonderful ability to set boundaries for how people interact with them, and as adults, I think it’s important for us to support this skill set. Not change them to become people who always agree or please others.

The other day, like any other day, I was picking up my son from school and inquiring about his day. He had taken supplies to school that day for an in-class project, and I wanted to learn more about it. I had given him extra supplies to share with his classmates, and I saw that he returned a lot of them. He told me that another student in his class had asked to use some of his supplies, and he refused. I was a bit disappointed with my son after hearing this. But he added ‘why should I share with someone who was mean to me today? I’m not sharing’. I told him that he had more than enough and he could have shared. And my son just replied with a simple ‘no’.

I observed him in that moment and thought, you’re right! If someone is unkind to you, why do you have to show them compassion? They were unkind to you, why should you have to ignore their behaviour to assist them and give them what they ask for? I took that lesson and I tried to apply it to help me with the issue I talked about earlier in my blog about the difficult colleague. ‘Why am I making an effort to support and help someone who is determined to ruin their own life?’ I have tried to help, but if they can’t treat me with respect, why should I sympathize with them? They are grown adults, and their actions have negatively impacted me. Why do I then feel obligated to help them? They can learn to help themselves.

I am truly grateful for the lesson my son taught me in that moment because it helped change something inside me. A light blub turned on in my mind, and I could feel a shift. It helped me see the worth in myself and set a boundary for what I consider acceptable behaviours when people interact with me.

— xoxo Sandy

life

Expectations

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As I interact with and observe people, I notice how many people have a selfish attitude. It makes me sad to see that people will do anything to get what they want, even if it means hurting others. And I often ask myself why? Why do they behave like this? Does it make them happy?

I know that people are imperfect, including me. But why do people constantly prioritize their own needs over the people they care about? Is that the key to happiness?

Every religion teaches some form of ‘love your neighbor’ or ‘be generous to your family’. I think these are the foundations of happiness. But as someone who struggles with depression, maybe I am wrong? If I deliberately do something that I know will harm someone, it affects me. It bothers me until I fix it. So how do people cope with choices that they know will hurt another person? How do they live with it? That is a sincere question that I have.

I want to grow, and I think this is an area of growth.

–xoxo Sandy

depression · inspire · inspired · life · love · mom · post-partum · quote · quotes · selfhelp

Anxiety

darklightness1 Comment

Waking up in the middle of the night,
Feeling an all too familiar feeling
I ’m gasping for air
But i’m not taking any in.
I try to steady myself.
Just focus on my breath.

Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.

It’s not working,
I’m suffocating.
Why does this keep happening?
Why do I feel so vulnerable and exposed?
I feel as though the world is judging me
And I’m consumed with insecurities.
I think I am a good person,
My intentions are pure.
But I suffer from a case of word vomit
Where I can’t help but be honest.
My truth is my truth,
Perhaps that is my downfall.
I speak from the heart,
I vocalize my thoughts,
I seek understanding and guidance
With a little dose of support.
Why do I feel so disappointed in myself?
Why do I feel so frustrated?
Why do I feel as though I’m letting people down?
I feel as though I’m living in a glass box at the edge of a cliff.

One wrong step,
I fall and everything shatters.
My failures are front and center for everyone to see.
If only I could catch my breath then everything would be okay.

Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.

It’s not working.
I’m suffocating.
I’m in a state of panic.
I want this feeling to go away.
I want to go back to feeling like myself again.
Who have I become as a person?
I don’t recognize this person.
I used to be so confident and reassured.
But this person,
She’s different.
This person dissects her every action.
Criticizes her every thought.
She creates insecurities where there should be none.
I try to steady myself.
Just focus on my breath.

Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.

It’s starting to work.
I can see that these insecurities aren’t real,
Just made up scenarios in my mind.
My mind is playing tricks on me,
And I can’t let it win.
I think I am a good person,
My intentions are pure.
But I suffer from a case of word vomit
Where I can’t help but be honest.
My truth is my truth,
And there is nothing wrong with that.
I want to learn and grow as a person,
But I can only do that if I’m myself.
I can’t do that by masking myself form the world,
I can’t do that being someone else.
I need to be confident in myself,
And not allow my mind to control me.
The mind is a dangerous thing,
When it acts like your enemy.

Anxiety.

life

Dear Avee,

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I hope you are enjoying your time in heaven.  I hope you are proud of us and smiling at everything we have accomplished. We didn’t know the last time we saw each other would be the final goodbye. I am grateful for the joy you brought to my life and I want to thank you for the happy memories.

It took me a long time to accept that your death didn’t mean I had to stop living, But I still think about you every day. Even though we would have been an ocean apart, I know we would have stayed in touch like we do with your sister. I miss you, and I’m heartbroken that you’re not here. I’m sad that I don’t get visit you when I visit England.  I still remember you as a playful kid, running around the kitchen with a bottle in your mouth, ignoring your mom. I can still hear her calling your name like it was yesterday. You were so free-spirited. A cheeky little boy.  I wonder what you would have grown up to be. What kind of music would you have enjoyed, what kind of food would you have loved. Would you have followed your dad’s footsteps in the shoe business? Would you have learned to fly like your sister? The possibilities would have been limitless.

I still remember the day we learned that you were gone. It was only a few months after we moved to Canada. I went to school and cried all day. I was too young to understand how someone could hurt a child, but that day I realized that the world is not a safe place. I realized that not everyone is good, and that I had to be careful. Maybe that’s why I always expect the worst from people, to protect myself.

But to move on, I need to stop dwelling on the day you died and how you died. I need to focus on the happy times and thank you for being part of my story. The time was brief, but I need to appreciate the quality of our time together, not the quantity. I need to let go of the pain. I need to let go of the sorrow. I need to open my heart again and be vulnerable. Its tiring being so guarded, I need to start connecting with others.

I love you, and you will always be in my heart, brother. Give my love to your mom!

I pray that you are at peace.

Love you Always,

Sandy   

canada · life · quote · quotes · selfhelp

Thank You 2016!

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Two Thousand And Sixteen. The words seem so insignificant on paper, yet as I say the numbers out loud, I can feel a paper weight being dropped on my heart. How do I begin to describe the year I’ve hard? As I try to find the right words, I feel confined to the words of the Oxford dictionary. Why can’t language be like light? Infinite.

Two Thousand And Sixteen. Thank you. As I sit here trying to grasp for words that would do my year justice, I feel overwhelmed with emotions of gratitude. This year was tough. Filled with loss and great sadness, but for some reason my mind floats to the happy memories.

This past year, we lost a monarch in my husband’s family. We spent many months going back and forth between work, home and the hospital. While the loss was significant, my memories constantly float to hospital memories that make me smile. I will always remember the look on her face when I entered her hospital room on a day that I said I was busy at work and wouldn’t be able to make it. She was so happy, and for anyone that knew her, she didn’t show much emotion.

My maternal grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Fortunately, the doctors caught the cancer in time and were able to remove it. She underwent radiation treatment shortly after that. Although she gets tired easily and is often in pain, she is still as feisty as ever. You think I have a sharp tongue, wait till you meet my grandmother.

My lung condition also relapsed. This news was a bit tough for me to digest. I had worked so hard to try to prevent this from happening, but it just goes to show, you can’t control everything in your life. Sometimes you just have to accept the cards that you are dealt, even if they are terrible. I remember laying in the emergency room bed, trying not to cry, thinking “please don’t be a relapse”. My condition is rare and easy to misdiagnose. Prior to my diagnosis, I spent many months in and out of hospital with doctors telling me I was having muscle spasms. So when the doctor came to my bed and told me I was good to go home because I was having a muscle spasm I almost started laughing. Muscle Spasm? I asked to see my blood work and x-rays.

The pulmonologist, Dr. Wayneinder Anand, who originally diagnosed me with this rare disease and was one of my biggest blessings of 2015 also ended up being one of my biggest blessings of 2016. Prior to releasing me from his care, he taught me how to read my blood work and x-rays to identify if I was relapsing. So when I saw the results, I knew what was happening. Had he not taken the time to teach me how to read my reports, I would have continued to suffocate and not understood what was happening. My health care would have been in the hands of others. Dr. Wayneinder Anand gave me the knowledge to identify when I was having an issue, and the steps I needed to take to self-stabilize, until I was in the care of another pulmonologist.

When I reflect on Two Thousand and Sixteen I can’t help but smile. This year was filled with trials and errors, laughter, sadness and happiness, but it made me stronger. This year taught me how to be grateful for the life I have. It taught me to make the conscious decision to be optimistic and happy every day. Because when you change your perspective, you change your life.

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canada · family · inspire · inspired · life · quote · selfhelp · Uncategorized

Disconnected

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Recently, I’ve found it difficult to connect with people on a human level. I can’t remember the last time I had a genuinely honest conversation with someone, and i’m growing tired of the superficial conversations I have with people. You know, the ones where we instinctively start to discuss whose life is more difficult. It’s like we’re in a rat race, constantly trying to outdo the next person. When the truth is, we are all just going through the motions of life and the growing pains that come along with it.

If I am being completely honest, I have a great life. I work on my flaws and improve on my weaknesses. I work really hard on growing myself into the person I want to be. However, I feel ashamed to let the world know how happy I am. Why? Because people become jealous and envious that you seem so “put together”. They don’t see the behind the scenes hard work I’ve put into the person I am evolving into. They only find reason to be resentful.

I have a very positive outlook on my life. I focus on the positives, and understand that the problem areas can be worked on. I know that nothing in life is constant and I am okay with that. But I don’t spend each day feeling angry about the pain points in my life. I accept them and roll with the punches, and that works for me. It allows me to stay focused and evolve into the person I want to become.

However, I constantly live in a fear that if I let people know how happy I am that they will find me un-relatable. When the truth is, the only difference between us is the outlook we have on life. I don’t see the grey areas in my life as problems. I see them as opportunities to grow. My approach to the grey areas is to accept them and look for a solution, if there isn’t one, I will sit on the problem until I can find one. When I advise people on how to solve problems in their lives, they find my approach too harsh, or they will give me a list of 100 reasons why the solution won’t work. They make the choice to stay pessimistic, and I can feel myself being sucked into the vacuum that is their negativity. And my outlook on life isn’t negative, so I can’t relate. And in turn there is a disconnect between my world and me.

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