I’m struggling right now. My autoimmune condition flared up again, and even the simplest tasks feel impossible. I feel so alone, I don’t know anyone else who understands what this kind of exhaustion feels like. I’m trying to keep moving forward, but everything looks darker lately. It’s hard to find light when you’re running on empty and there’s no one to lean on.
Somewhere in the middle of all this, I keep pushing myself at work. I’ve always been someone who strives, a top performer, the person who goes above and beyond, the one who’s constantly trying to elevate, improve, grow. I put so much pressure on myself to excel, to be the dependable one, to carry more than my share. And when my body fails me, or when life feels heavy, that pressure doesn’t ease up. If anything, it tightens. It makes the gap between what I expect of myself and what I’m able to give feel even wider. That gap hurts.
Work has been another uphill battle. My manager seems to lack empathy, even basic human understanding. I’m fighting for my health, and he compares my pneumonia and narrow airways to mild asthma. I’ve been in the same role for ten years, with no growth in sight. I spoke with our country lead for over an hour yesterday, and I don’t think any of it landed. Every time I try to make progress, it feels like I have to fight ten times harder than anyone else. It’s disheartening. I feel so low, and I don’t know how to climb out of this sadness.
Right now, I feel defeated and helpless, disappointed in myself for not being stronger. I just wish I had someone in my corner. But from every angle, it feels like I’m dragging myself forward alone, searching for a safety net that isn’t there.
And yet… I know this feeling will pass. Everything does. Pain, exhaustion, loneliness, they come in waves. Some crash harder than others, but none stay forever. I’ve survived every wave so far, even the ones that felt endless. Maybe that’s the quiet proof that I’ll survive this one too. Maybe the light isn’t gone, it’s just waiting for me to look up again.
The Inner Workings of My Thoughts 